Motherhood

What makes a good mother?

I've been pondering this question since Mother's Day, and I've decided there is just no easy answer.


When Lili was born I quickly found out that there was rarely one right answer to any parenting issue. We were still in the hospital and I witnessed nurses contradicting each other. I soon learned to listen to others, and make my own decision. As a mother this is a daily struggle. You could drive yourself crazy trying to "do everything right", that's if you even have the ability or resources. Eat organic, don't drink from plastic, never let your kids watch television, don't give your kids fruit juice, when to start solid food, preschool or no preschool, etc.

I worked with a woman who honestly felt that keeping a clean house meant she was a good mother. Sure, a clean and orderly home benefits everyone, but I think motherhood has to be more about the kids than the house.


My friend Michelle has a theory about parenting styles. Every parent has a strength, and they tend to focus on that area and be a little loose in others. For instance, some parents are great with structure and discipline, others are heavily focused on nutrition, others are oriented toward academic achievement, and some nurture free spirits.


There is immense pressure on parents today to give their kids the right opportunities, make sure they are in the right preschool, etc. I think many Moms find themselves filling up their children's' schedules with enrichment classes ranging from art to music and foreign language. Who doesn't want their child to have the same opportunities as their peers?

Motherhood is hard. Sure there are unpleasant things, like poop and puke, and sleep deprivation. But the hardest part is the decision making. It is daily, hourly, minute to minute. You try to do the very best for your child, and when that doesn't quite happen or you question your decision even a little bit you are wracked with guilt. The smallest decisions wear you down just by the sheer number of them in your day. You child wants another cookie. How many has she had? Did she eat any vegetables today? Did I remember to brush her teeth? One more cookie won't kill her, but the sugar high may kill me. Will she still eat her dinner? Do I really want her childhood memories to be of me denying her the pleasure of cookies at a time when her little metabolism will burn it up in 5 minutes? Are they homemade cookies? Do they have trans fat? Maybe if I give her a cup of milk with it she will at least get some calcium.

Now, with four small children, you have the constant situation of triage. At any one minute someone is climbing on something they shouldn't, someone else is screaming for juice or a snack, another child is in danger of harming a sibling, then the phone rings, you have to go to the bathroom, and unless you get something done in the kitchen nobody is going to eat that day. I've learned to be loose about some things. Sometimes getting lunch prepared is more important than your child chewing on a shoe or eating an ancient cheerio from under the couch. However, when you've just opened a poopy diaper, there is nothing that is more important than finishing that job.

Even the best mothers have bad days (usually a good sign you need some time away!). Moments when you are unable to calmly remind your child not to jump on the couch, when you've already reminded her 25 times that day, and you become the drill sergeant mother barking orders. We all have moments of being Mom-zilla. Those mothers you see at the park who talk to their children like they are on a PBS show? Don't be deceived. Anyone can sound like the "Mother of the Year" for one hour at the park. It is what we do when we are sleep deprived and warn down from too many challenges that defines us. Can we muster the love and kindness that epitomizes Hallmark Motherhood? I wish I could say I always can. Quite often I find myself calling on the Holy Spirit to bail me out.

Despite the differences between them, I believe all mothers need one common thing; to feel appreciated. Sure, each person needs to feel a sense of worth and belonging in their lives, but mothers deserve extra recognition. For some this comes one day a year, and that's good. For the truly lucky ones it happens more often.

And so, if there are mothers in your life that you admire - tell them. I'll tell you about a few in mine. My Mom is sweet and thoughtful beyond belief, but she is also the strongest woman I know. My friend Michelle does an incredible job with her girls - I love how she opens up the world for them with experiences and thoughts. My friend Dee is an amazing mother. She is fiercely protective and totally committed to helping her daughter who has special needs live a fun, enriching, and full life. My former neighbor Lynette Chase made everything in her children's day fun just by her sunny perspective. Errands in the car were always "magical mystery tours". Dianne Eib's daughter Meredith sings in our group at church. Dianne is devoted to her daughter's interests in music and theater, but also does a wonderful job of sheltering her and not allowing her to push herself too much. Fr. Von's mother, Marie, modeled her faith for years leading her husband to convert and then become a deacon, and her son to respond to a call to the priesthood. Fr. Marc's mother also modeled her faith, closing each note to her son in college with, "I continue to wear out rosary beads for you". What a beautiful display of motherly love.

And then there is the perfect model and advocate for us, The Blessed Mother.